Father of the Bride Speech - The Director's Cut

My father of the bride speech for Annie and Matt's wedding, including the bits I had to leave out to meet the 4 minutes, and the bits i just forgot to do on the day because I'm an idiot

For better, or for worse - that's the subject of tonight's scientific poll. Text the word "DOGS" followed by your answer to 80295 or email yourcall@bbc.co.uk

As the first speaker I'd like to thank you all for coming and welcome you here. A special welcome to Matt's family, and I'll even go so far as to add you on facebook.

As is traditional, I'd like to start this speech with a protest. All the speeches have been limited to 4 minutes. I'm fine with this, but i just think it's a shame it wasn't also applied to the sermon. I've had to cut out a lot of theological content as a result.

Clearly, I wrote this before I saw the seating plan.

My dad died 11 years ago, or he would be here making a much more dignified speech. I heard him speak a few times and he always managed to say something important without sounding sentimental.

Nonetheless, it is entirely natural that I should be making this speech, as I've always been something of a father figure to our Annie. You can tell by the reverential awe with which she mocks the idea. And Matt, it would make me very happy if from this day forward you would do me the honour of calling me dad.

We're all very proud of Annie, but she was always my dad's favourite. He would be relieved to know that while she's stil his silliest girlie, she has not become a problem pupil.

I'm confident that my dad would also have gotten on very well with Matt too - my dad was always a very tolerant man. My mum on the other hand...

during my lifetime, my mum has expressed affection for the following people:

added to this pantheon of the gods of eurosport has been one Matt Matthew Ludlow. I think this speaks volumes about Matt's character and the way he was brought up. My mum now treats his like the son she never had.

at this point I'd like to say how beautiful the bride looks - but there simply isn't time.

And so Annie Guires is now Annie Ludlow. It's important not to see this as a demotion, but as simply a new departure. However, it has been clear for some time that she wasn't quite hacking it as a McGuire.

We McGuires are a proud and noble breed, and sporting blood courses thickly through our veins. However, Annie has not always kept up the spirit of her ancestors in this regard.

When we were wee, Johnny and I would play football in the livingroom, in accordance with our birthright. Rather than support the game at the grassroots level Annie would invade the pitch and squat on the ball in a manner that owed much to the student uprisings of 1968. Her homage to Torville and Dean ended with her baleroing her face off the fireplace, and cheating at tennis was so brazen that she would start games by holding the ball aloft and declaring "I think I might very well win this game".

I just have time to read out some of your emails and texts:

Andrew from Bridge of Weir The People writes

"I thought Ludlow was immense the day. I've got admit that when he first arrived, I didn't really rate the lad, nuptual-wise. He was a Croydon reject and I didn't think he was McGuire-class. But he's clearly worked hard in training, and when his chance came he grabbed it with both hands. Installing washing machines and TVs, fixing burst tires, and today he capped it all off with an imperious display where he won every 50-50 vow. However, do you not agree that the fact Annie is marrying one of the influx of foreigners spells disaster for the scottish national team?"

This is a theme built-upon by Mark Fergusson from Broughty Ferry:

"Paul Dixon has been doing the business week-in, week-out for Dundee United, and has yet again been over-looked for matrimony by Annie McGuire. Yet another case of West-Coast-bias"

"Putting words in people's mouths by inventing text messages just to pad out your speech is a deplorable breach of trust". That's from Annie Ludlow, Martin Dowden and the rest of the BBC Creative Writing Dept.

"for the dénouement, don't forget to toast the bride and groom" - Jack McGuire.?